5 step program

So, what are those pesky little 5 stages of grief again? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Hmmm.

I spent the last 10 years in the denial stage. Check. I have spent a good bit of that time bouncing in and out of the bargaining phase. Check check. Angry I seem to have worked through in a day or two. Check check check. That leaves the last two. The worst two.

I think I am teetering between the two right now. I am craving more sleep than I ever do while getting less than I ever do. Right now it's a quarter to three. I should be snoring. But no, I'm all sad and shit.

I think the acceptance leads to the depression. The more I come to terms with this whole thing, this whole not being married thing, the sadder I get about it. It's not so much that I miss him per say, it's just that I miss the company, the consistency, the comfort. I mean, maybe he wasn't coming home until 6 in the morning, but he got there. I could occasionally get him to play a hand of cards with me or tuck the kids in so I could go type on the computer or something. He was just around. There was a guy who smelled pretty dang good and I got to smell him every day. I miss that. There was someone to eat the dinner I cooked or notice that I was parting my hair the other way and now there is only this huge responsibility and nothing else. I am always frantic now and constantly exhausted and there is no real relief in sight. Not for at least 17 more years.

I'm not saying I want him back, because god knows I don't and I am truly happier away from him; I just really hate the alone part of this. One IS the loneliest number. I like being a part of a whole, I like the whole sharing my life thing. I was really good at being married. And the painful bit, the really depressing bit, is that I get it that this is what it is and I have no option but to suck it up and take it. I accept that, and it depresses me.

I hate being depressed.

I will wake up tomorrow and convince myself again that life is great and that I couldn't be happier and in a few days or maybe weeks I will again remember that I am lying because I am good at lying to you but frighteningly amazing at lying to myself and you will have to read another whiney post. Because that's my cycle. But for tonight, this is how I am. This is my honest little blog entry. I am not great and I could be a hell of a lot happier.

But I'm kinda betting I will be eventually.