I keep thinking that I have gotten through the angries, and just like a cold, just when you think it's over it starts up all over again.
The reasons for it are shifting, though.
Yes, I am angry that my kids father does not call them and I am angry that I am reduced to sleeping in someone's basement and I am angry that I have to work until unholy hours at a bar on the two nights I could actually sit up and do a puzzle with my boys and I am angry that my daughter has so little attachment to anything that I can leave her with absolutely anyone and she is just fine, but that's not what's fueling the fire and keeping me up nights.
What gets me, what really kills me, is that I am realizing that I have a really good thing here, here in the Mile High City, and that I put it all on hold for so long for that chump that (see paragraph above).
I decided to skip the hotel and instead crash at my friend N & D's house. Last night I got home from work, and they had left lights on for me and turned down a bed for me. No one has EVER left lights on for me or turned down a bed for me. It totally made me cry (embarrassing confession there, guys...let's not hold it over my head, mmkay?). N and her mom and I have kinda spent a lot of the past week together and just let me tell you how flippin' nice it has been.
It is wonderful to have a community of sorts, people who know you and want to talk to you and enjoy your company. It's really a new concept to me and I am fumbling around it.
I don't mean to sound like I have been some crazy sort of hermit all these years, but my husband, well, he was kind of demanding of my time. He's pretty anti-social in general and doesn't really play well with others, and so we never actually did stuff. Stuff with other people. Example: N and her mom have known me for, oh, 3 1/3 years or so. They met Josh once, in a bar, for 5 whole minutes. They saw him again when L was born, but I don't think he actually said anything to them. Their husbands, if memory serves, have never met him. And they're, like, some of my best friends. Molly can probably count on one hand the times she has been in the same room as Josh.
So, I think that I gave up a lot of interaction in the efforts to be married. I gave up the coffee with the girls and the nights out writing with Andy and the lunches with Tim. Which I guess is stuff you give up when you get married, to a degree, but I think maybe I let my degree get a bit extreme. And I have absolutely no one to blame for it but myself. I could have easily said "Hey, I'm going out" but I never did. I sat there and waited for grumpy smurf to initiate something.
My friend Chris once made a rather insightful observation. After saying some stupid thing or the other to me, he asked if I had ever noticed that all the men in my life were disappointments. I giggled at the time, but boy, oh boy, was he ever right.
I have a knack for picking these amazing, wonderful, powerful women to be in my life but when it comes to men, men in any role...lovers, friends, husbands, fathers...well, I just fuck it all up. I find the guys who will blow me off, ignore me, make me feel 5 inches tall, and I stick with them WAY past their expiration dates.
And this, my friends, is totally my own fault. I know it, I see it coming, and I do a big fat nothing about it. I create this for myself and I think I almost wallow in it a bit. But I think I am getting a bit better.
My friend D, N's husband, (yes, you) rocks. The Kasbah. He is kind and funny and nice. My friend C, S's husband, well, I kind of love him in that very scary like the dad I never had sort of way that makes me so very nervous. And they are both good men and not at all jerks. And Thad and Hot Gay Russell, both of whom I will someday shove back into their respective closets and then proceed to have torrid love affairs with both, possibly at the same time, because they are MEN the way men should be. All men should have to take man lessons from them. My friend Terry is great, and we have a for reals friendship based on nothing at all in particular except that we enjoy each others company, though he is very very drunk these days and so I know to keep my distance, 'cause we all knows how I likes the drunks, and I am very proud of myself for realizing that I have to keep my distance. That is true progress for me. I have managed to not once call Josh for anything I don't absolutely have to and that is extraordinary. Normally, I'd be blowing his phone up by now.
I think that at the same time as I am forging some real, lasting relationships with men, I am learning, albeit slowly, that I have to get rid of some, too. The bad ones, the ones that are one-sided. See, I have this thing for caring a whole hell of a lot more about people than they do for me and I always figured that I was just wired funny and should just get used to it, but I think that I am learning something here--that not all the men in my life have to be disappointments, and that I have some power to change things. Maybe that I am worth the good, solid, reciprocal relationships and that the others ones can just, well, go.
And so, of course, I am getting angry with myself for tolerating such bullshit from so many people for so long and I cry a lot again, simply out of frustration and a little bit of sadness at the thought of letting go of a few people that I really don't want to, but know I have to, but sometimes, just sometimes, the angries are a really good place to start.
And so here I go...