i think he may PAY them to say these things

Earlier today:

Adoring wife: Honey, here's your coffee. Time to get up.
Jackass husband: Thanks. (rolls over) You have a 69 on your arm?
Adoring wife: Do not, pig. It is the sign of Cancer. My brother's a Cancer, remember?
Jackass husband: Hmmpft.
Adoring wife: You mean to tell me you're just now noticing that? I've had this tattoo for years.
Jackass husband: I try not to look at it.
Adoring and slightly peeved wife: Doesn't much bode well for you that there are parts of your wife you try to not look at.
Jackass and deep in the hole husband: You're telling me.

Later on today:

Dutiful son: Mom, I can't remember what you look like without your glasses on.
Loving mother: Here you go. See? I look the same.
Dutiful and likely well-paid son: Mom, I wish you didn't have that earring in your nose.
Loving and slightly peeved mother: Why is that?
Dutiful and deep in the hole son: I think you look silly with it.