Did you know that in Canada, we have TWO holidays in December? That's right, two. And they are right next to each other. First, you get Christmas, the day to buy Jesus a bunch of birthday presents and then regift them to your spoiled children. And then, the very next day, you get Boxing Day. The whole point of Boxing Day is to get your over-stimulated, sugar-crazed, sticky kids in the car and go commune with your fellow Canucks at, you guessed it, the mall. It's National Shopping Day, and the Post Office closes for it. The entire country goes on sale. You get to go buy all the stuff you didn't get under your tree. Cheap. Crazy cheap. Day after Thanksgiving on crack cheap.
For example, you could pick up 9 CD's for the price of, oh, 4.You could buy yourself a bag full of new sweaters because your fat ass A) needs to break up with Tim Horton's and B) won't fit in any of your totally awesome old ones.You could get yourself a new phone, the phone your wife tried for two months to get you, but since she's spent the last ten years as a stay-at-home-mom who's husband takes care of everything, she doesn't exactly exist in the world of credit, and straight out buying the phone was, like, twice her entire budget for you.I'd show you the actual phone, but he can't stop making out with it yet. You could return the very nice, fancy, totally awesome coffee pot you got under the tree that had nothing at all wrong with it except that it failed in every way to work, and exchange it for some very cute glassware that Good Lordy you needed so very, very much.And when you're all done torturing your poor children by dragging them all over the mall, you could get them something, too. Like jeans, because Santa brought excellent sweaters but it never even occurred to him that boys like to wear more than boxers with their new tops. And you could buy your baby some new clothes, too,
because as you can plainly see, she doesn't havenearly enoughas it is.But, be warned: if your baby, who you are shopping for, happens to be the youngest of 3 and the only girl, you would do well to closely inspect those new footie jammies before you pick them up. (Sweet, aren't they?) And maybe chant a few times, "We have a girl. We have a girl." Because even though she really likes skateboards and worms and stuff, she might prefer rainbows on her new jammies over trucks.And if you do get away with the trucks, which you will, someone, someday, is bound to raise an eyebrow to the footballs.Yeah, America, you so totally need to steal this holiday. It may be the coolest holiday in the whole wide world.