Amazing Moments In Superstar Parenting

Yes, I'd like to thank the academy for this award.  Best Mother Ever; so coveted, so illusive.....

This morning, we lept out of bed at eleven eight because my daughter was freezing and her diaper was soaked loves us and missed us terribly over the night, and while The Donor went downstairs to wash last nights dishes make the coffee, I ran up to the bathroom to tinkle.

It's the post of strike outs.  Sorry.

Of course 3of3 came with me.  That piece of elastic she's got superglued onto her head and my hip only allow her to travel 2 feet away from me at any given moment.  They tell me the glue will wear off before kindergarten; I have my doubts.

So, we're in the bathroom.  Tinkle tinkle, wipe wipe, uh oh.  Someone's red headed step mother has come back for a hail-mary visit.  I grab a tampon.

This is where the dudes 'round here need to go look at some nice, wholesome porn.

"Whassat, momma?" she asks as I unwrap it.  "It's a tampon, honey."  I say, moving as fast as I can to get this shit OVER as fast as I can.  Maybe she won't see what's about to happen if I'm quick enough.  "It's a tampon, honey; it goes inside..."  And as I do the deed, she stands right in front of me, bends over, tilts her head way up so she's got the money shot, and watches what is certainly a Guinness World Record for tampon insertion.  Unfortunately, I was just *this* much too occupied to stop her.  Sigh.

"Ooooh, momma, it goes you bottom?"  Christ. "Momma, you got a snake you bottom!"  Fuck. Me. "Momma, you got a snake you bottom!"  Yes, dear, it appears I do. "Guess what, guys?" she runs out of my room shouting, "Momma got a SNAKE her bottom!"

It's going to be a long day.