Three of these Barbies are from America, one from South Africa. They were all purchased at the same time. Let's see if we can't identify which one of these things is not like the other, using only what's right here in front of us. It'll be like high school, just without the teacher wearing a bad tie and too much Old Spice who's breath smells like coffee. (My breath totally smells like coffee, just sayin',)
First, let's see what they're wearing. Keep in my they are wearing the original, licensed Barbie outfits they came in. Whoever said you can't judge a book by its cover reads the wrong books.
Hmmm. One is a ballerina; how whimsical. One is wearing a bright, short yet sensible frock that looks maybe hand-dyed and covers all the naughty bits. The other one could pull in a quick $50 on the corner, and her panties are popping out from the top of her skirt. There's a very interesting clue.
Let's look at that picture again, shall we? First, I'd like you to notice the height of Barbie and Barbie and Barbie. Barbie in the middle is significantly taller than the other two. And notice their legs; how middle Barbie's legs are closed together, and right Barbie's legs are, well, not so much. Let's put that in our notebook too, shall we?
Next, let's examine their facial features. These Barbies have been buried in the exact same corner of the exact same toybox for the exact same length of time. How have they faired after a decent roll in za hay? See how blue dress Barbie's hair just lets it all go? All, see her coloring? A little blush, a sweep of mascara, and some sheer gloss. Downplayed and simple. A little button nose, definition in her cheeks.
Now see how red shirt and mini-skirt Barbies hair does not look like she was raised by dogs, like she just washed it or something? She's got eyelashes as long as her legs, ice pink lipstick, and eyebrows 4 shades darker than her hair color.
And what the hell is that white stuff all over her shirt? Interesting.
Whoa, dude? Are you wearing onetwothree FOUR layers of eyeshadow? Dag, yo. Hey, did anyone notice how much smaller one of their heads is?
Yet there bodies are the same width. Weird, eh? Now let's dive under the surface. *Indecency warning. May not be appropriate for boys ages 10-12, or the dudes who read this blog.
Holy moses! Two of them have pubic regions that are literally PUFFED out. Barbie on the far left has full coverage panties on, totally appropriate with a short dress. At least, I assume. Let's check...
Holy Thong Song, Batman! "She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what; All night long, let me see that thong...."
*ahem* Well then. Oh, but I almost forgot little sister Skipper, or whatever the hell they call her these days. Toddler Barbie? What's she got going on?
Mesh tops, mini-skirts, hot pink knee high boots. Reeeeeally? Is it Halloween? Now, I am remiss to even go here, but I have to know.
Those are NOT Finding Nemo Pull Ups, little missy. Those are HIGH CUT BRIEFS ON A THREE YEAR OLD. Someone is not going to be watching any Dora this week.
So, now that we've examined the fake plastic grooming, apparel and undergarment habits of our dear Barbies, which do you think is the South African one? Any guesses? Well, maybe we should just ask them.
Lesson over, kids. You all get an A, and no homework this weekend.