However, the onset of my advanced age has brought a few changes to my proverbial doorstep. With who I am. I went from having A chin hair to having ALL the chin hair. My moustache doesn't suck, either. I'm getting Cherry Angioma all fucking over my body, and my hair is coming in gray. ALL OF THEM. You know how your hair looks if you go a few days without a shower? Mine normally looks like that about 12 hours after my shower. Now, it just always looks like that. It's stringy and greasy and motherfucking gray. My 9-days-long-just-like-clockwork period is now a two-weeks-long-whenever-it-damn-well-feels-like-it period, and it usually feels like it right after I've blown the entire bank account on pregnancy tests.
Oh, and I suddenly have PMS for the first time in my life.
My old PMS manifested itself in nesting. My house is never cleaner that the week and a half after I ovulate. Lately, though, not so much.
I am blaming this shift in hormones and attitude for the fact that I tore some woman a knew asshole at my kids' school today. See, we have this drop-off/pick-up lane at the school that is a no-stop zone. You can't park there, you can't walk there. You drop your kids at the curb and move on. No one ever follows this rule.
Of course, we've had 100 billion cm of snow, and the school district kind of forgot to plow the school before it started after winter break, so this already narrow, weird, straight uphill drop off zone is now a sheet of snowy ice and hardly wide enough for one car.
Naturally, some fucking moron decides that today, in the pouring rain, she should park her minivan half-way up the hill and go get her kids. I could see my kids at the top on the curb, where they should be, waiting and getting soaked. I waved, they waved, and they stayed put until that car moved and we could all get up the hill. 10 minutes later, after 10 cars piled up behind us blocking the main street and a city bus, she returned. I was fuming. She got in her car and tried to drive off, but what was in front of her? ANOTHER parked car, a Ford sedan, this one at a 45 degree angle, so no one who didn't know how to drive in the snow stood a chance of getting around it. Minivan mom tried to inch her way around that car, but couldn't figure it out, so she just got out of her car and climbed in the back with her kids. After 5 more minutes, she got back in the drivers' seat, tried again, and got around the Ford. Eventually. Very slowly.
The car in front of me goes around the Ford, no problem, and so did I. (Nice tense switch there, huh? I can writes good.) The 10 more cars that are backed up on the street, and the now TWO city buses that are blocked start to move. We pull up to our kids, and by now they are dripping and shivering. They start getting in the car, and I'm pissed. I look up and see some woman walk past me, grab her keys, and point them at the Ford. The trunk pops open. This is my moment. Am I man or amoeba? What do I do?
I rag out all of her ass is what I do.
I unroll my window, open the car door, take off my seatbelt, lean my head out of the door and turn it all the way around all Linda Blair style, and as loudly as I can I say to her back, "Are you aware this is a no parking zone?" She turns around and puts her hand up, like "talk to the hand" puts her hand up, and that was it. BOOM.
"Are you also aware that you held up TWENTY CARS and TWO CITY BUSES? It took me TWENTY FIVE MINUTES to get around your car. My kids are SOAKED. This is a NO PARKING ZONE. Do not ever, ever park here again."
She says Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyy. I say "DON'T PARK HERE." She starts saying something that begins with "I just..." and a gave her a nice, loud whatever and drove away.
I have never, ever done anything even close to that before in my whole freaking life. I don't even know who I am anymore. The worst part? I wrote the PTA president to bitch that there is never anyone out there directing traffic even though we have an entire committee dedicated solely to directing traffic, and guess what? I've officially unquit the PTA. I'm now directing traffic two mornings and two afternoons a week and organizing the parents who I will force to help me with this.
Seriously, do you want my uterus? THREE TIMES NOW, it's landed me a spot on the PTA. Fucker hates me, and I'm breaking up with it.