If The Paranoia Doesn't Destroy Me, The Insomnia Sure Will

When I was a little girl, I used to lie in my bed at night, totally awake, praying for sleep to come. It rarely did. I convinced myself that laying there resting was just as good as actually sleeping, but it wasn't. Every night, while I tried to sleep, visions of ghouls and witches danced in my head, and I felt the icy fingers of death clawing at my eyeballs. My mother told me evil spirits were trying to possess me. My doctor, 20 years later, told me I have astigmatism. So, woot, the pain in my eyes at night has a totally valid medical reason. The delusions of screaming banshee demons sent from hell to steal away my soul were totally my mother's fault.

Takes one to know one.

When I was in my 20's, I worked the breakfast shift at one of those places you go to clog your arteries the way your momma used to do it. I was up at 5 every morning, and by 2 I'd waited on about 200 people. Then I went home and chased two toddlers all by myself for the rest of the day. I was never up past 9 at night, ever.

Now I stay at home with my kids and I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I can not sleep. I can not sleep right now and my boys can get up and make their own breakfast, and my daughter sleeps until 1030 every day anyway, so my body knows it's going to get it's sleep in eventually. But I don't want it then...I want it now, while my eyeballs have bricks in them. I try; I lay there every night while my head spins. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, I just can't fall asleep. I think that maybe I'll get up an have a cigarette but I don't really want one. I fact, I don't think I ever want another one again. It's a digusting habit, and  I'm totally quitting as of now. It doesn't matter at all that I have quit smoking every single night for the past 2,000 nights or so. I think about all the other things I could be doing, like the laundry, which involves way more thought power than I am capable of expending at 1:30 in the morning, or going to the gym, which is open 24 hours and would totally wear me out, but it is all the way (2 minutes) over there (from my house) and I'd have to dig my gym clothes out of the laundry piles, which ugh, and then the whole thing turns into a blog post and I don't have a blog post for tomorrow and I can type one with one eye open except that one eye burns because I am beyond exhausted.

And there doesn't seem to be a way for me to get sleeping pills to help this, because I'm totally too afraid to ask a doctor for sleeping pills because he'll think I'm a drug-seeker. If he thinks I'm a drug seeker, there's no way he's going to give me the other prescriptions I need. If I can't get the other prescriptions I need, I will go stark-raving mad and the demons will start poking my eyeballs out in the middle of the night again and I will never sleep.

And so I get up and I type. And eat some chocolate cake. I think should have just had a smoke and gone to the gym.