T minus seven and counting....

L will be one in exactly one week. I will have three children in one week. I was kind of ok with the two children and one baby by 30 thing, but the three walking, talking, cheerio-eating children by 31 seems, well, a bit fundamentalist or hookerish or something. Fast and loose. Yep, that's me*.

Needless to say, I am freaking out and mourning the loss of my precious wittle angelbutt who is now almost one, going on 12. The child, she has the "sass" bit down.

Oh, did I mention that she also has perfected the art of the temper tantrum? Refined is more like the word. She knows that there is this spot in between my legs where I can't reach her well enough to pick her up, so she clings to that spot and whines and screams and bites and I am thinking it is almost time to trade her in on a new model. This one is making a racket.


Attractive quality in woman, no? I am never going to get her married off.

*Fast and loose are probably the only two things I am not. Fertile? As the Tennessee valley, but not so much with the loose. So don't go getting any ideas. I am so not going to make out with you.

totally inappropriate

So, there's this story I want to tell you. It's really super funny and you would laugh your little butts off, but I think that if I did post it, child protective services may finally show up at my door and arrest me for some seriously poor parenting, or at least for posting grossly improper* things about my sweet children.

So I ask you this instead...

Who do you like for cell service? As it stands, I am leaning towards Cingular. They offered me a, well, banging deal on a fucking rock-star phone, a phone, in fact, way cooler than I am. But I'm open to suggestions.

*improper? inproper? unproper? barney? teletubbies? poopey diapers?

the best laid plans...

This was supposed to be Vegas week. Tuesday, I was supposed to get a ridiculously sexy tattoo on my back. Wednesday, we were supposed to have dinner at Mortons and then gamble a bit. Yesterday was supposed to be drunk-at-the-pool day, followed by dinner at N9NE and drinks at Ghostbar for Jenny's birthday. Instead, I am in a perpetual H.I. McDunnough loop.


Today was "go to Denver" day. In a few hours my plane was supposed to land. I was hoping to go to Nallen's with Molly. I was supposed to see my friend, ASYB'er, and her family. There were supposed to be hugs and kisses and stuff. If I close my eyes, I can smell them. I miss them that bad. We were all supposed to head up to the mountains for a wedding and a night away. It would have been terribly fun to be stuck in the mountains, knowing only those 5 people, my favorite 5 people (one of which has really hot pants*) for a weekend. I was really looking forward to it.

Oh well. I think I was mostly just looking forward to the hug. ASYB'er gives a great hug. I could use one. We could get into some of the other things I could probably really use, but this is a family forum and so I digress.

So, let's all do go something fabulous this weekend to make up for my abandoned vacation. I, for one, am drinking by the pool this weekend. Maybe someday I'll go to Detriot.

*sorry, Dunkie. It's just never not going to be funny.

thirty *cough* seven

Dude, my sister in law turned 37 today. That fucking freaks me out. That means that I am going to be 37 fairly soonish. Yikes.

So, yes, today is Jenny's birthday. We pulled my nephew out of football an hour early, picked his friend up


We baked her a cake,


got her some pretties from Victoria's Secret and that goddamn Kelly Clarkson CD that is speaking to my 13 year old soul right now and had ourselves a merry little birthday party.





Happy birthday, honey. Thanks for taking me in and taking my kids in. Thanks for smacking me upside the head last week and pulling me back to reality. Thanks for supporting me through all this, even though I am about to break your brother's heart. Thanks for being the only person alive who is just as or possibly more white trash than I am. Thanks for making me drink margaritas at noon almost every day. Thanks for being constistenly there for me, through 3 kids, through a shitty marriage, through heartbreak and through laughter and through growing up and through more clothes sizes than I can believe myself. Thanks for always having a valium handy when I need it. Thanks for listening to Megadeth with me more than we should. Thanks for E.J.D., my beautiful nephew, that boy that I love like he was my own. Thanks for being silly and pretty and funny and all of those great things that you do so well.

And thanks for still smoking, even if you smoke those Barbie tampon things. And thanks for pretending that you don't notice that I've been stealing one or two occasionally.

And now, for your viewing pleasure.....

long overdue baby pictures taken on my shiny new camera that the greatest two people on the face of the planet sent to me the other day. You know who you are, and your rock my world.