i think he may PAY them to say these things

Earlier today:

Adoring wife: Honey, here's your coffee. Time to get up.
Jackass husband: Thanks. (rolls over) You have a 69 on your arm?
Adoring wife: Do not, pig. It is the sign of Cancer. My brother's a Cancer, remember?
Jackass husband: Hmmpft.
Adoring wife: You mean to tell me you're just now noticing that? I've had this tattoo for years.
Jackass husband: I try not to look at it.
Adoring and slightly peeved wife: Doesn't much bode well for you that there are parts of your wife you try to not look at.
Jackass and deep in the hole husband: You're telling me.

Later on today:

Dutiful son: Mom, I can't remember what you look like without your glasses on.
Loving mother: Here you go. See? I look the same.
Dutiful and likely well-paid son: Mom, I wish you didn't have that earring in your nose.
Loving and slightly peeved mother: Why is that?
Dutiful and deep in the hole son: I think you look silly with it.

why the hell am I out of the news loop?

I haven't watched American news in so long I don't even know what's going on with Brad Pitt anymore. Dozens of Suri Cruise jokes are flying over my head as we speak. I haven't even managed to catch the Daily Show in months. My America (The Calander) is stuck on May 4th. So thank you, my dear Molly, for your post today. Thank you so very much. I heart YOU.

(Seriously, click the link. Then watch the video. It's great.)

yep, still 12

So, I just checked my email and I had over 60 pictures of a very drunk Matthew Mc-however-the-hell-you-spell-his-name. Dude, they are flippin' hilarious. However, due to some strict copyright laws and a check that has still not been deposited in my friend J's bank account, I am not allowed to show you any of them. I promise you, though, as soon as I can, I will. There's one good one in particular that I am DYING to share with the group.

lies and other happy news

Because long, coherent thoughts are still a little ways off for me...

My car will be here on Monday or Tuesday. Sooo excited. It has been so long since I've driven a car that the other day when I borrowed the very nice neighbor's car to go get diapers, I totally forgot about, um, looking before I changed lanes. Wickedly embarrassing. So if you were driving down Gaglardi about 4 in the afternoon the other day and got super pissed of at crazy blond chick in the mini-van, sorry dude. My bad.

Does your kid have any buzz words that let you know instantly that he has done something very, very naughty? Like when T says accidentally?

Example: T is in the shower. Shower stops, silence, silence, crash, silence. Hmmm...silence. CRASH. Silence, muffled cry, wailing cry. Screaming. I enter the bathroom to find a naked boy and a towel rack on the floor. As I am checking for blood and thinking, "Poor thing, the mean old towel rack fell off and cluncked his pretty little head", I ask what happened. In between sobs he squeaks out, "I accidentally pulled that off!" And that, my friends, is when the warning flags went up. "You WHAT?" "I accident..." "Oh stop it. What really happened?"

I ask this knowing full well what the answer is. In T's world, "accidentally" and "while pretending to repel down Mt. Everest" mean about the same thing. The exact thing, in this case.

What about your kids? Any good ones?