Mutually Assured Destruction

My hair has been falling out in handfuls again. Thankfully, I have more hair on my everything head than your average lion, so I can afford to spare some - but every day when I lather the shampoo into my scalp, I pull my fingers out of my hair and they are full of enough hair to make living wigs for Chemo-Barbie.

I first noticed it about six weeks ago, when I finally decided to end my marriage. It increased when we decided to end our marriage, about three weeks ago. The details of that are a different story, but I have to say that - in hindsight - I really wish I had, and truly regret that I did not, chronicle this entire process. It has been more liberating than skinny dipping, more isolating than climbing Everest, more exhilarating than bungie jumping, and more sickeningly terrifying than floating on a dingie through a Noreaster.

A very wise man once told me that hindsight is always 20/20 - but looking back, it’s still a bit fuzzy.

Step one is admitting that I am powerless, not merely acknowledging it (yes, the families of alcoholics need to work steps as much as the qualifier does.) I am trying to learn to live less in absolutes and more in notions, trying to believe that I am powerless against alcohol and all the cunning and clever ways it has distorted my perception. I am trying to become willing to see that is has distorted my perception. I am trying to understand and accept that everything I know is probably wrong, or at least deeply askew. I am not doing very well at this, but I am trying.

Baby steps off the crazy train.
Baby steps off the crazy train.
Baby steps off the crazy train.

I sat in my meeting a few Monday nights ago, listening to the brave women and men taking the journey with me talk about decisions. They talked about letting go, trusting in their Higher Power (who most of them call God; Texas, yo) to somehow make evident the paths they should take, or at least trusting that whatever path they do take, He is there with them. They spoke of not rights or wrongs, but steps, small doings, attempts. I listened and thought man, that is what I need. I need to figure out how to believe that a Power Greater Than Myself (who most of the people I know call God) can do for me that which I cannot do for myself. I need to make decisions based on more than my gut, because right now, my gut is not to be trusted. I need to make decisions based on more than Have To’s, because Have To’s usually come from fear or anxiety, and not from careful consideration. I need the humility to admit that I can’t, and I need to know that someone can do for me that which I cannot do for myself, and right now, what I cannot do for myself is decide. I need to not make any decisions for a while.

A very wise man once told me that recovery is easy; you just have to change everything.

I think I know a lot of things that I don't actually know at all, because that is how I satiate my control fetish - by always knowing and constantly doing some pointless and counterintuative thing or the other that keeps me feeling like Action is Happening and Changes are Being Made, when really I am just running around in circles in the hopes of winning my own comfits and thimbles. So I made a bunch of Very Grand Indeed Plans that all, of course, fell apart all over me, and when I had to dig through the reckage of what I Thought Was, I figured out that I have no idea what is, and I realized at that moment that I had to not do The Right Thing, but simply the next right thing. 

So we agreed to move to Arizona.

What I need is to to recover. What I need to do is change everything. I need to run toward, not from. I also needed to leave Houston, for reasons I don’t care to get into right now, and I need to end my marriage, for reasons I keep hashing over and over again, and I need to keep working at this mind-blowingly awesomely terrifying job I’ve been doing for six months, but it still feels like my third day. I need to do all those things at the same time.

My hair is doing me the kindness of tearing itself out for me.

So we moved to Arizona, where my kids have a ton of family to support them while they learn how to be a part of a divorced family, and where my soon to be ex husband has someone other than me to be his support through his own recovery, and where we can get divorced quietly and calmly with minimal destruction. And I? Well, I have this. 

That's good enough for today.